Administrative Expertise

Administrative Expertise

I never fail to be impressed by university administrators. They are so wise, so knowledgeable, so insightful, so virtuous. And all without any formal training. Not only do they know about a wide range of academic subjects, they are experts in interpersonal relations—psychology, psychiatry, the ways of the human heart. They are also skilled in criminal investigation, correct legal procedure, and the art of judging. They know all this while mainly functioning as janitors and petty bureaucrats. No wonder they are paid so much. As I say, impressive. For example, they can tell when a relationship crosses into the zone of the “romantic” or “amorous” and hence should be reported and appropriate action taken. This is not just a simple matter of whether there is sex or not but can occur in the complete absence of any physical contact and declarations of love. No kissing required, just an inscrutable vibe they are uniquely equipped to detect. They even know better than the participants: these hapless individuals might sincerely believe that their relationship is not “romantic” in any clear sense, but the administrator knows they are wrong—he or she can just tell. On the basis of this they can initiate disciplinary proceedings and even dismiss the offending parties. Marvelous! What insight! What wisdom! And the administrator might only have formal training in geography or chemistry. These are remarkable people all right. What really impresses me is their ability to reach large conclusions based on the flimsiest of evidence. They really have an almost uncanny ability in this regard. They just jump to the correct conclusion! As to the heads of colleges, these people are really astonishing: flawless, omniscient, Solomonic. They are a breed apart, not mere mortals—and so pure in their motivations. Politics and self-advancement never enter into it. One can only stand back in awe and thank God for their existence. And have you noticed that they never make a mistake? When was the last time you ever heard a university administrator admit he or she might be wrong? It never happens. They are infallible. Amen to that.