Alien Mouth Science

Alien Mouth Science

“How was your expedition to planet Earth?”

“Oh, it was quite interesting. We gathered some fascinating specimens. One was a strange species that talks with the same organ it eats with”.

“Wow. How is that possible? How do they talk while they are eating?”

“They don’t. They have to alternate. It’s quite comical to watch them as they try to chew and speak in some organized way. Sometimes they almost choke—it’s hilarious. You can see the food in their mouth as they struggle to tell a joke!”.

“Disgusting. Next you are going tell me they spit food out as they talk to each other!”

“That’s exactly what happens. They have this funny little muscle in their talking organ that flits about in there and sometimes expels bits of food and saliva. It’s gross.”

“Sounds like a weird way to have a conversation. Anything else?”

“Well, yes, and it gets even weirder. They kiss with the same thing!”

“What? They kiss with the organ that eats and also talks! Isn’t that really unhygienic, not to mention revolting? Doesn’t the food get on the other person’s lips and in their mouth?”

“Indeed it does, copiously. It spreads disease and makes kissing taste funny.”

“But how can they talk as they kiss?”

“They can’t. The kissing is eerily silent. Plus, they can’t have a snack while kissing.”

“That’s no way to kiss—one wants to have a chat and a nibble while enjoying a kiss.”

“Obviously. But that’s not all: the kissing is done by an organ that can be used for biting. Kissing and biting exist in the same spot, if I may put it so. And the biting can be quite nasty.”

“Isn’t that very confusing for them, and also scary? The person you are kissing could easily bite you, like a piece of food or an enemy.”

“Our way is much superior: talking, eating, kissing, and biting are all handled separately.”

“Whoever thought up that plan? It’s cruel and illogical. Is there anything else?”

“Well, yes, but I was trying to avoid the topic. The genitals are in a separate location, some distance from the kissing organ. Instead of putting them in the same vicinity, which is obviously the best design, they are at some distance from each other, so the act of love is carried on in two places simultaneously.”

“That is positively perverted: they kiss with a body part that they eat and talk with, but when they copulate, they have to shift to a different area of the body!”

“Exactly: they have to use two organs together. How do they coordinate the two?”

“One point of clarification: where do they defecate from? Presumably from the same place they eat, like us, but how does it work with the talking and kissing?”

“Oh no, they defecate from a quite different place, at the end of a tube that sort of spits it out.”

“Again, counterintuitive, but not unreasonable given the other functions performed by the mouth. Better to eat and defecate from the same place at a reasonable distance from the genitals and talking organ. I wonder why they concentrate everything in the oral area?”

“Who knows, evolution is a peculiar business. Would you like to come and see them yourself? We have some of them caged for public display. It is a sight to behold.”

“By all means, if I can stomach it.”