My Sins

My Sins

Come Christmas time, a man might be forgiven for dwelling on his sins and showing remorse. In that spirit I find myself reflecting on my past misdeeds, and it turns out there are many. For there have been many occasions on which I have formed warm and friendly relationships with students that I never reported; some of these may have had “romantic” elements (in the sense of “intellectual romance”). I am talking about males and females here—I have done it with both sexes. I have been a repeat offender; there has been a “pattern” in my conduct (sorry, misconduct). I see it now. I really should have been removed from my post decades ago; my “victims” have been legion. These are people I’ve had lunch or dinner with, socialized with, consumed alcohol with, had a good time with, even kayaked with. Our conversations have not always been G-rated. I really should have been banned from every campus I’ve ever been on (as I am now banned from the University of Miami campus). I confess it, my relations with students have not always been strictly “professional”; some affection has crept in, willy-nilly. Have I ever given one of these students an A he or she didn’t deserve? I don’t think so, but I suppose it’s possible; one can’t be sure. I might have been afflicted with “implicit bias” in favor of these students. As it is, I was allowed to teach for many years without being disciplined or terminated. But that was in the bad old days when people weren’t so enlightened on these questions. It’s true, I have liked some students more than others—and I have not reported this to the authorities. I have even evaluated some of these students! Shocking, I know. Nor did I ever see the importance of the “power imbalance” in these situations: I was coercing these individuals into “inappropriate” friendly relationships against their will. They never really wanted to be friendly with me! But they acted like they did out of fear, appeasing me to avoid my anger and retribution. I see it now—I was a friendship predator, abusing my power, leaving multiple victims in my wake. I was blinded by my own position and sense of privilege, or just careless of others. No one was “safe” around me—I might come on all matey at any moment. It always seemed consensual, this teacher-student friendship, but that was an illusion; they were just humoring me to avoid my retaliation. I would fail them if they rebuffed my friend-seeking advances. That time kayaking: they hated it and were only there to avoid being summarily failed in their next test. I should have been more self-aware, but I was brought up at the wrong time and felt entitled. I really should have avoided all “unprofessional” contact. True, I enjoyed friendly relations with my own teachers in days gone by and never felt “coerced”, but times have changed and we now see how dangerous such contact can be. By rights I should be thrown in jail for such egregious misconduct. As it is, I just had my career terminated and my reputation destroyed. My sins have been duly punished. Thank God we have university administrators to put this kind of thing right!