President and Pope

President and Pope

The president was seething in his presidential bathroom. This time it wasn’t his political enemies or the fake news media or Robert de Niro. It was the pope. The new pope. The American new pope. The problem was obvious: he was drawing big crowds, he was on TV a lot, he was popular, he was multilingual, intelligent, and respected by all the top cardinals. None of this was acceptable to the president, especially the big crowds. There was a distinct danger that this guy might become the most famous American on the planet. The president felt that he looked more papal (he said paypal) than that short guy from Chicago; also, his hand gestures were not as good as the president’s. The president had the best hand gestures. There were rumors that the new pope was not a supporter of his and didn’t love his country. He had to be stopped before he made nasty comments about the president. He straightened his tie, checked his makeup, and exited the bathroom, forgetting to flush the toilet (he had bigger things on his mind).

In the kitchen his wife was gazing at a glossy magazine. She didn’t look up. The president didn’t care. He said, “Do you think he’s hot like me?” Still not looking up, she replied “What?” “The new pope”, he said. “I guess he’s fairly attracteeve for a pope”, was her languid response. “But he’s so short”, he countered. She said nothing. “Anyway, he has never had sex with any of the world’s top women”, he commented ruminatively. That had to count for something. The presidential wife pretended not to hear. Presently, he left, having serious presidential work to do in the Oval.

He had a plan. He was smart, much smarter than all those so-called intellectuals and book-readers. His first line of attack was obvious: the guy was not a real American—he was born in Peru, then smuggled into the country. Where was his birth certificate? It worked with Obama, so it should work with this Leo character (not even his real name). People are saying his mother was a Peruvian washer woman (whatever that is); and that he never knew his father. The Democrats then allowed him to worm his way into the Catholic church in a DEI initiative. Second, that conclave thing was a fake election: he was never really elected pope. It was rigged, a scam, a criminal conspiracy, the cardinals were all part of a deep state plot—how did anyone know otherwise? Third, he isn’t really a Christian: he just acts the part so he can gain power. It’s all just a cult anyway, everyone knows that. Fourth, and here the president showed his political genius, he would insinuate that pope Leo had gang connections in South America. He had lived in Peru for twenty years, in rough parts of the country—how could he not have gang connections? He might even be the head of a Peruvian gang of murderers, rapists, drug dealers, and tattoo wearers. His hat, apparently, was similar to the hat of a Peruvian gang called Agua Fina. His skin did have a brownish hue when seen at twilight. How could he love our country if he refused to live in it for twenty years? You all know that. He should really be deported for coming here illegally. He is obviously a socialist and a loser.

The president had arranged for a rally in Rome. He had his speech all mapped out. He would begin by saying that this pope would bring atheism like you have never seen before, so much atheism. Then he would move to brand him an illegal immigrant and gang member. He would call him Little Leo. He would grin and point as people chanted “Lock him up!” He would suggest he might be a drug addict because he is so thin. He would point out that the pope’s ability to speak several languages was proof of his lack of patriotism. The guy was a Peruvian citizen for Christ sake! The president felt confident that this rally would put an end to his problem—the problem of being the second most famous American in the world. The pope would be eclipsed and defeated by the president and would soon be calling him “Sir”.

Meanwhile pope Leo XIV remained in the Vatican, praying and smiling to himself, saying nothing.