English Jokes

English Jokes

There aren’t enough racist-type jokes about the English, so I decided to invent some, aiming for maximum offensiveness and unfairness. It’s not an easy task, but at least I can make a start. We badly need a nasty stereotype associated with the English to compensate for all the stereotypes applied to other people by the English (including people who speak the English language). So, be prepared to be offended my fellow Englishmen. Vulgarity will be no obstacle; indeed, it is essential to the enterprise.

There are three sexes: male, female, and the English.

Why are there so many English accents? To piss people off.

What is the proper way to address a member of the royal family?  “Your shitiness”.

Why are the middle classes so philistine? “Phil who?”

Why do the English like threesomes? It’s a treat for the dog.

Why are the working class so violent? “Who are you calling violent?”

Why are the upper classes so ridiculous? It’s their only achievement.

Why do the English hate foreigners? Because they speak better English than the English.

Why do the English tell jokes about the Irish? Because they think Ireland is in Wales.

Why do the English hate the Welsh? Because they are nicer people and sing better.

Why are English accents so awful? Because they are a means of self-expression.

Why is English food so bad? Because people are always drunk while eating.

Why are the English always drunk? Because it’s the only time that they feel alive.

What is the traditional English breakfast? Cold curry from the night before.

Why do the English drop their “h’s” and “t’s”? They think it sounds posh.

Why do the English dislike their parents? Because their parents dislike them.

Why do the English never exercise? Because you can’t do it from the sofa while drunk.

Why are the English so bad at sex? Because they are bad at everything and prefer a nice cup of tea.

Why are the English so prejudiced? It’s their only source of pride.