Groceries
Groceries
The president was explaining the word “groceries” to the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia. He fancied himself a bit of a linguist in his spare time, because he was an expert in everything to do with word. In fact, he was an all-round expert on many subjects, including windmill and shower head (not to mention tariff). The Crown Prince feigned enthralled rapture. “It’s an old-fashioned word”, the president patiently explained, “not used much these days”. Actually, the word was new to him, having never had the opportunity to go grocery shopping himself. At first, he assumed the word was “grosseries”, meaning obscene acts, possibly done in Russia. But, being of exceptionally high IQ—one of the very highest in the history of the human race, they say—he soon picked up that it had reference to food. He informed the prince that “groceries” actually meant “food” in English, but was now deemed archaic (“very yesterday” were his actual words). Thus, he now liked to order in terms of “groceries” in expensive restaurants: he would speak of the quality of the groceries served at a particular restaurant that only the top people go to. Anyway, the point was groceries were down, thanks to him. They used to be incredibly high under his loser predecessor, but under him groceries were now 98% down. You could now eat the best groceries for very little money, all because of him. The prince nodded appreciatively, wondering when he could bring the subject round to Palestine and fake money. But the president was in full flow linguistically speaking. He was now expatiating on the subject of dolls and how many little girls should have. “They could have 3 or 4 dolls, or even 7 or 8, but not 300”, he explained. “It obviously depends on their age”, he remarked sagely. “A little girl of 15 might not need as many dolls as an even littler girl of 8 or 9 might need, or one of 2 or 3. It all depends on the age, you see. Girls of 18 and up don’t need many dolls; they are more interested in pencils to write their letters with.” He had a distant look in his eye as he said this, as if reflecting deeply on the nature of childhood. At this point the Crown Prince stood up in a marked manner and conducted the president into the marbled banquet hall where he could enjoy his lunchtime groceries.
Is all this literally true? It’s difficult to satirize someone as crazy as Trump. I know that he’s spoken on probably all the topics mentioned and has said something about them close to what is presented here, but are all the quotations accurate? I’ve not read of him dropping the “s” in plurals, and I’m suspicious as to whether he really said that groceries were 98% down. It might be better to quote him than to satirize what he says, because the former is as ridiculous as the latter.
No, it is not all literally true. I made up the quotations based on his actual words. He does speak in the singular when he should be using plurals–the SNL impersonator does a lot of this. He did say something close to the 98% about eggs recently. I exaggerate for effect.
Quote rather than satirize? I don’t see how that would be ‘better’. The constant worldwide reporting of his drivel is, I suspect, more often than not greeted with expletive-laden groans of dismay and irritation than mirth – (well, at least it is in our house). In this case the latter is much funnier. He is pure manna from heaven for a Lampooning wit, “grosseries” is right on the nail.
I have to agree: it’s the humor that matters. Trump is comic gold. I never thought I’d end up writing comedy about him but it’s irresistible. “Grosseries” did it for me.
Trump gets sarcasm but not irony or how stupid he looks to any sane and reasonable person who lives on this planet. I don’t think in this case he gets how much of a joke he is.
It must be very confusing to him.
You need ID – to get groceries, and high IQ, to “get” the concept of groceries.
For the president the word “groceries” designates an I-know-not-what–something to do with poor people.